Cowboys Lose; Redskins Honored With Parade

30 12 2013

ImageSunday marks the end of yet another disappointing season for Dallas Cowboys fans and another reason for fans of the Washington Redskins to be proud of their team. Of course the Redskins’ playoffs hopes were crushed months ago but their fans stayed loyal and focused on the more important goal: The Dallas Cowboys not making the playoffs.

“It’s a special time,” said one die-hard Redskins fan . “You wear your Redskins gear, you talk shit at work, ruin a marriage all in the hopes that your team will gain that ultimate prize. This is the best moment of my life.”

A victory parade hosted by the City of Washington, DC will be held in honor of the Cowboys’ loss on Tuesday, Dec.31. In addition the Redskins have received a personal invite from President Barack Obama to join him at the White House to watch the playoffs.

Teaser Trailer Confirms That People Will Be In Christopher Nolan’s Next Film

15 12 2013

Teaser Trailer Confirms That People Will Be In Christopher Nolan's Next Film

After the success of The Dark Knight Rises fans began to speculate what director Christopher Nolan’s next film would be about. Today they received their answer. The teaser trailer for Christopher Nolan’s next film Interstellar was released today and it all but confirmed that his next film will be about people.
Nolan is known for being secretive about his films’ premises so it’s quite a surprise that the trailer actually revealed so much. The fact that the 2 minute trailer actually shows 10 seconds of footage of a person is unprecedented for Nolan.  With this it’s safe to assume that there will be some kind of plot that revolves around these people and that at some point they will say words that guide us through that plot. There could even be movement of body parts. The possibilities are endless. Interstellar opens on Nov 7 2014.


11 12 2013

NBA Referees Still Reviewing Play After Two Weeks

11 12 2013


It has been two weeks since a loose ball went out of bounds at a Pacers-Heat game and the referees decided to review the play. “We need to make sure that the right team wins the game,” said NBA referee Joey Crawford. “We at the NBA are committed to excellence. Now sit y’all asses down and wait.”

Fan unrest has been kept under control but this situation is sure to explode into a full scale riot if this continues. “I just want to go home,” said one fan. “I really don’t care who wins at this point. Also can someone stop by my house and feed my dog?” NBA officials have massaged the delicate situation by letting fans shoot half court shots for money (They owe four fans 60,000 dollars) and handing out free Hot-Dogs but these tactics are proving less and less effective. One crazed fan allegedly attacked bystanders with a T-shirt gun while the Pacers’ team mascot hasn’t been seen since Day 4.

Commissioner David Stern commended the game’s commentators who, despite having been watching the same replay for 2 weeks, are still providing interesting insight into the game of Basketball. Players are mostly happy about the opportunity to get two weeks of rest before a play that would decide the outcome of a game but the bench-warmers are visibly drained from walking around the outskirts of a huddle for such a long period of time.

Nerd Restaurant Review

5 12 2013




I’d like to start out by saying that this isn’t being written as an “opinion”. I have been going to restaurants my whole life. So my, and only my, opinion is the only one that matters.

After a 3 day masturbation/World of Warcraft binge I decided it might be time to go out and treat myself to something to eat. After all I had earned it. Unfortunately I found myself at this restaurant that turned out to be easily the worst place one Earth.

The first problem was the location. Anyone who knows anything about restaurants knows that in order for a restaurant to be successful that the sun has to hit it at a 45 degree angle. The sun hit this hellhole at a 46 degree angle! Seriously how could you get that wrong!? This alone pretty much solidified that this was going to be the worst dining experience in the history of mankind. I would have went back home but as the self respecting 38-year-old man that I am I simply sent out a smug tweet to my two followers and carried on.

I was even ready to give this place another chance until I read the menu. It was HORRIBLE. Can you believe that it had a selection that was accessible to (wait for it) EVERYONE! These people had the nerve to ACTUALLY have a menu that is not specifically tailored to EXACTLY what I think it should be. RIDICULOUS! It’s not that my opinion matters more than the general public. IT’S THAT MY OPINION IS RIGHT. Once again, I have been going to restaurants ALL. MY. LIFE. So I’m THE expert here. At this point I should have went home and jerked off for the fifth time that day but I continued.

After waiting in line and camping out for three day with people who think like I do I FINALLY got seated. And that’s when the waiter showed up. At that point I knew that I was literally in hell because he was ALL WRONG. This guy looked nothing like the waiters that I spend my Friday nights arguing about on message boards. Plus I’ve seen this guy at other restaurants and HE IS TERRIBLE. And to make matter worse, despite my smug face book posts, YouTube comment rants and death threats they refused to give me another waiter. UNBELIEVABLE.

I decided to order the cheeseburger. I mean NOBODY can get that wrong right? WRONG. The waiter brings my food out and it is HORRID. ANYONE who rarely leaves the confines of their Mom’s basement knows that the bun should have 100 Sesame Seeds. This ATROCITY had 101 Sesame Seeds. I managed to block out the laughs and smiles from the restaurants’ other customers and COUNTED! How can you have the AUDACITY, the UNMITIGATED GALL, the temerity to literally disrespect and RUIN my childhood by using too many Sesame Seeds?!?! And after all that I had to force myself to eat this abomination- A tough undertaking when you are ACTIVELY trying to not enjoy something.

Finally it was time to leave. THANK GOD. I have never had a worse experience in my life. This place was so bad that I am going to get on the internet and follow every single update on this place and when they open another location I will be the FIRST in line. IT. WAS. THAT. BAD.

Avengers 2 Confirmed As ‘Avengers : Age of Urkel’

27 11 2013

ImageIt’s official. Joss Whedon has revealed that the next installment in The Avengers franchise will be titled ‘Avengers 2: Age of Urkel’. The film will see the group of heroes take on a young nerd whose genius grows out of control.

Initially fans expected Thanos to be the villain but Whedon has thrown quite the curve ball with this announcement. “Why take on galactic threats when there are clear and present ones right here on Earth?” said Whedon. “By the end of ‘Family Matters’ Urkel was pretty much a god. He was creating clones, traveling through time, and literally giving personality transplants. It will be interesting to show how S.H.I.E.L.D. handles this situation.”

Apparently this was the plan for a long time. There is an Easter egg in ‘Iron Man 2′ that shows Steve Urkel in the background actively ridiculing Tony Stark’s “inferior” technology. Furthermore Urkel makes in appearance in ‘Captain America: The First Avenger’ as a young scientist trying to sell his tech to the Red Skull who refuses to do business with a black man.

In addition to the whole original cast signing on for a second film, Kellie Shanygne Williams is set to reprise her role as Laura Winslow. Early rumors are saying that she is the reason for Urkel’s villain turn. Will her death push Urkel over the edge? Or maybe her years and years of rejecting his sexual advances are what turns Steve Urkel to the dark side. Judy Winslow (the daughter who magically disappeared with no explanation after season 3) is also rumored to play a major part in the story. Will her disappearance finally be explained? Was she in the Negative Zone all this time? Let the speculation begin!

Scooby-Doo Controversy Continues: Velma Demands Title Change, Bigger Contract

27 11 2013

ImageTHE 1970′S- Velma Dinkley is continuing her crusade to have the name of TV Series ‘Scooby Doo, Where Are You!’ changed to ‘Velma and Nem’. Since September she has demanded the name change because “None of the rest of the gang do shit.”

“It’s unbelievable. I solve every case pretty much single handedly. The guy in the ascot and the chick with the hips just run off and have sex while the lanky dude smokes weed with his dog!”

Velma, whose current contract has her earning the right to hang out with cool kids who would otherwise never be caught dead with her nerdy ass, has allegedly requested a record breaking 300 million dollar contract in negotiations, and with whoever pays Scooby Doo and the gang not offering in that ballpark it is expected that she will test the free-agent market. Hong Kong Phooey and Mighty Mouse have already expressed interest in the young sleuth in a sidekick role while Josie and The Pussycats are rumored to be scouting her for a managerial position.

Even the enigmatic Johnny Quest expressed excitement about the prospect of working with Velma through his Twitter account. Image

Scooby-Doo and the Gang are currently doing whatever they can to get Velma to stay. Daphne has reportedly offered to give Velma a personal makeover and Shaggy has offered to discuss the issue with Velma personally in the back of the Mystery Machine over something he refers to as “The stickiest of the ickiest”.  “This is a team,” said Freddy. “Velma is a big part of what we do. And if she leaves the group I’m going to have less time to spend with Daphne and those hips… I mean…um…looking for clues and shit.”

“I really have love for the gang,” said Velma. “But after while it just makes you want to pull out your hair, punch a wall and yell Jinkies.”


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