“Batman” Successor Found Dead

GOTHAM CITY- The dead body of ”Batman” replacement John Blake was found last night.  According to sources Reggie James, a long time Gotham resident, tracked down the body after watching Blake “get his ass whooped” in a WorldstarHipHop video.

“I just felt sorry for ol’ boy,” said James. “But that’s what fighting crime without being taught how to fight by a guild of assassins gets you. He’s very clearly no Bruce Wayne.”

John Blake began his “Batman” career with literally no training after the original faked his death to move onto a life of having sex with Catwoman and passive aggressively ignoring the butler who raised him like a son. Blake has since been the laughing stock of Gotham, with screw-ups including but not limited to getting the Tumbler stuck in a ditch, weekly beatdowns on WorldStarHipHop, sending thirsty Facebook messages to The League of shadows, and using the sonar created by Lucius Fox to try to get at women. Fox was not pleased.

“That nigga better not be using my shit again!,” said Fox. “Yeah he brings his ass in here all the time, talking about he needs a better suit. I don’t even know you dog!  Are you serious?! Better take your ass to Men’s Warehouse…”

The GCPD has remained silent on the loss but Commissioner Gordon did send this statement to former Batman, Bruce Wayne: “Evil… rises from where we tried to bury it. The Batman has to come back.”  To which Wayne responded, “Something else also rises and Selina’s down for whatever so ummmm…yeah….”

JUMP!

Do it, yells the voice
Not like you have a choice
Jump and take a chance at flight
Or fall victim to all that plight

Lift those feet up off the ground
And I don’t want another sound
You’re still standing there, waiting to die
Do it! I want to see if you can fly

Or smack the pavement, either or
Not like you have anything else to live for
One step is all it takes
C’ mon get crazy and raise the stakes

Oops, there’s something I failed to mention
Parachutes aren’t paying attention
And safety nets think you suck
So do it already and stop giving a fuck!

Fine, sit there UNcomfortable on the ledge
“One day…” being your false pledge
Wasted gifts can be your name
Continue to be a lame

Fade into obscurity
Waiting for some security
This roof can be your home
The treadmill can be your throne

But I really think you should do it
Only two things can happen, so screw it
You’ll either grow wings before hitting ground

Or you’ll die…

Tyler Perry To Direct “T-DOG” Spinoff Series

Fans of the series The Walking Dead can now rejoice as one of it’s most beloved characters, T-Dog, is finally getting his own series. At the premiere of his new film Madea Makes a Porno, Tyler Perry announced plans for a new TV show that spins off AMC’s critically acclaimed Horror TV show.

“I think black people need this,” said Robert Kirkman, creator of AMC’s hit show. “Let’s be real here. All T-Dog does is fuck up and eat syrup sandwiches. He’s the Javale McGee of the group.” (NOTE: Despite having never being filmed eating  a syrup sandwich, Kirkman confirmed that this is what T-dog is doing whenever he’s not onscreen.)

Despite Kirkman’s involvement, Perry has confirmed that the tone of his series will be a lot different than that of The Walking Dead.  “It’s going to be fun,” said Perry. “And longtime fans of my work can expect guest appearances from Mr. Brown, Pops Payne, and of course Madea.”

Filming for Tyler Perry’s Zombies Ate My Syrup Sandwich is scheduled to begin in May.

Apologies, Protest Mark More ‘Predator’ Blackface Fallout

Reactions to an elite military Major dressing in blackface to defeat the being known as “The Predator” continued through the past week, with a condemnation from the President, a planned dialogue to address the issue and a letter of apology from the man known as Major Alan “Dutch” Schaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger).

“My actions were not out of malice or racial hatred, but were simply to make it out of the jungle alive,” the letter said. “I put on the mud with no intention of offending anyone or perpetuating any racial stereotypes. A fucking alien was trying to kill me man!”

Upon arriving back in the states, satellite evidence showed that Dutch not only participated in the use of blackface but applied it to his whole body. The photos somehow leaked and Rev. Al Sharpton was promptly contacted. “We will not tolerate this kind of behavior. Is an alien trying to kill you an excuse to take blacks to such a horrible time? I think not,” said Sharpton. He has since called for a boycott. Of what he still doesn’t know.

Major Dutch still maintains that he is no racist. “Look at my team! Bo Duke was on my team! BO FUCKING DUKE! He’s black as shit! Damn near purple! Him and Apollo Creed! Fuck outta here man. We need to be focused on these dreadlocked creatures that are clearly trying to take us humans out.” Dutch has since apologized to the country of Jamaica.

Transgenders Win Discrimination Tiff with Capsule Corp, Evil Tyrant Forces Changes

It just got a little easier for a transgender person to work at the Capsule Corp.

Transgender supervillain alien, Frieza,  has forced the company to make some changes, including nixing a rule about employee “personal appearance” that banned men from wearing women’s clothing and ladies from dressing as guys. “This shows me that there’s faith and hope. And if some shit like this happens again, I’ll blow up some more shit!,” said Freiza.

Freiza, backed by the community, apparently complained to a worker in Bulma’s office about what it called a pattern of discrimination against transgender job hunters. When that didn’t work he attacked the company’s headquarters with a barrage of energy blasts, causing over 1,000,000 dollars in property damage.  ”We don’t discriminate at all here,” said the blue-haired owner of the company. “I don’t recall turning anyone away. And the only other person that works in H.R. is my husband, Vegeta. And that’s not like him at all.” 

In the wake of a public relations nightmare, the company signed a settlement deal promising to change its policies. “To avoid further expense and the distraction of a prolonged argument, [we have] agreed to a compromise settlement in this case, with the understanding that CC is not admitting to the findings,” said a company spokesman known as Trunks.  “Also when this asshole tries to destroy your planet again, don’t bother knocking on our door…liberal ass dick riders.” 

“We wholeheartedly believe that transgender individuals should be treated equally,” added Bulma. “But you guys can’t be this dumb. Freiza is responsible for the deaths of a bunch of people, including friends of mine.”  This accusation against Freiza, while true, doesn’t hold much weight.  There is substantial video of Freiza murdering large numbers of people. But all of the victims in those videos are somehow miraculously alive again.

The settlement is the first crackdown against a company under the section of the state’s Human Rights Law that bars employers from discriminating against applicants because of their gender identity-whether they are aliens or not.  It’s result could also have a direct effect on the ongoing case that Buu has against Old Navy-the latter refusing him employment because of the phallus located on his head.

 

Popular Dog Killed For Snitching

KNOXVILLE, TN -  A heated trial continues in the aftermath of the death of beloved Bush Baked Beans mascot, Duke.  ”This man was so upset about his dog’s ”snitching”  that he shot the dog in the head”, prosecutors allege.

That is the scenario prosecutors outlined in court Thursday, where Jay Bush, founder of the Bush’s Baked Bean Company, appeared after being charged with one count of murder and one count of animal cruelty. Prosecutors said the Bush family were involved in an ongoing dispute with Duke. apparently the Bush family was afraid that Duke, after revealing he could talk, was going to give away their secret recipe for Baked Beans. Despite the mistrust, Duke stayed loyal to the Bush family, going so far as doing a bid in the pound after taking the full blame for a robbery gone wrong. Duke, who had recently gotten a ”Bush In  Bush Out Fo’ Life” tattoo, maintained until his dying breath that he loved the Bush’s. In fact, security cameras managed to catch Duke’s last words: “BBB. We all we got!”

On the stand, Jay Bush described the murder with no remorse. “Yeah I did it,” Jay declared. ” The whole time Duke is all like I didn’t say a word. And I’m like Yeah, that’s what you say. But it’s how you carry yourself. Always apart. Always aksin’, “Why?”. When you should be doin’ what you’re told. You was never one of us. And you never could be. Then I asked him how my hair look and blew him away.”

The state is seeking the maximum penalty despite the victim’s non-human status. “The fact of the matter is this is a senseless murder didn’t have to happen,” said one prosecutor. “And I mean that in the most literal sense. Who the hell would care about beans when you have access to a talking dog?!”

 

 

LETTER: Please Curb Your Big, Red Dog

It was my impression that we are supposed to step it up a to keep our city of Birdwell Island clean.  As a tax-paying citizen, I have a legitimate complaint about a certain big headed white girl who refuses to clean up after her big, red dog. I understand that dogs need to poop. And in most circumstances I would step around it or ignore it. But in this case it is impossible.  I find it very frustrating to walk outside and find my car buried in feces. I should not have to use my good snow shovels to dig my car out of a pile excrement.  Don’t people realize that it should be cleaned up by them if it’s their dog?

 

This is becoming more and more of a problem everyday. I try hard to keep my front yard presentable but whenever I go to mow it or rake, I’m like “Where did this mountain come from?”  because there is always another pile of hardened dogs feces. Sure my grass is more healthy than it has ever been but it’s not worth the literal shitstorm that I have to go through to present it.

 

 What is so difficult about being responsible for your animal? And it’s not just the big, red dog that’s a problem. He and his cohorts are allowed to roam through the town freely with no leashes. This is especially dangerous considering the size of the biggest dog and the many children who live here on Bird Island (many of which have inexplicably gone missing since the big, red dog got here). And I haven’t even mentioned the fact that this animal is not neutered. What’s going to happen when this behemoth hits puberty? I don’t need my child seeing a big, red dog cock humping statues and buildings.

 

I hope I have not come off as being a jerk. I am simply worried about the safety of this town and I hope some kind of solution can be reached- one that doesn’t involve me calling in the military. 

 

Thank You.